deliciousbabe

Saturday

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 21:49:04 GMT

Hallo all.

Went to dance this morning, no class. We had a garage sale instead at directors house. On the way home I got lost. Ended up on 635 in that horrible mess down there. But, I successfully found my way home without calling anyone for help. Which is a good sign since Im driving to Fair Park tonight by myself. Scary. But I convinced my mom I need to know how to do these things since Im moving to Austin in a few months. Living alone. As in by myself. No one to rescue me.

Thats all I want. I think thats all women want. To be rescued. Thats why we fall for firemen and military men and even lifeguards. . . they can save us. And we know it. I want my knight in shining armor. Or in red swim trunks. . whichever. So long as he can take me far far away from here and love me. Love. . .

Bobby says him being a stoner taught him the real meaning of that Sublime song "Love Is." Makes sense. More laid back approach to life brings unconditional love and contentment. Hooray for that.

So yes, going to Fair Park to see Titas. Very exciting. Ive never been before. Best dancers in America on tour together. Here. In Dallas. And I get to watch it. Unfortunately its safe to assume that a lot of it will be classical ballet, which puts me to sleep like whoa. Oh well, surely I can keep my eyes open for truly amazing dancers. Who knows though, I dont have a lot of self control. . .

Went out to dinner with most of the prom group last night. Richard bought my dinner, I wasnt sure if I was supposed to pay or not. . it was awkward. But kissing on the porch wasnt. It was nice. I like him. A lot. Im gonna call him in 20 minutes. Hes taking a nap. Im hungry, havent eaten all day. So maybe he'll want an early dinner/late lunch with me. Who knows. The boys got their tuxes today, they will be adorable. Very happy.

I got stuff accomplished today. Got a hair appointment for prom. Got consultation appointment for senior pictures. Im on a role. Did my own updo for the show tonight. It was a good day.

I bought the new Blink 182 cd. Its good, they are cute. You just cant deny it. No matter how much I dont want to like them, I just cant help it. Same with John Mayer, he kind of annoys me, but at the same time is just adorable. *Sigh* Richard thinks I only listen to black music. Such crap. I listen to white music. White people music is what I pay for, I get hip hop for free. That should tell you which I care about more.

So Rachel and Megan got into the CAP program at UT. Which basically means Im going alone. Im so scared. I wasnt made for this kind of thing. Easily intimidated and really bad at meeting people. Life just got a million times scarier. But I cant stay here. I have to leave. No choice. And they will be happy where they go. I can truck it to OU sometimes. At least they wont be across the damn country like Lindsay. Sigh. Afraid.

Im gonna go do something. I dont know what yet. Im sure it will be fabulous though. Bye all.

Lyrics:
Discover me
Discovering you
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue
And if you want love
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while
Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder
(I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland
~John Mayer

Dreaming

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 04:19:35 GMT

Hallo all. Sad, sad day.

Ive been feeling down the last couple days. . . really miss having someone. Started with a dream. A very powerful one where I could touch everything. I could smell everything. I could see everything. Everything that was there when I was loved and in love. A real slap in the face. While that love is most definitely gone, I miss having it. I miss being wanted and needed. I just want to fill the world was pained poetry. I want to sing all those horrible love songs that are so bittersweet. I want to scream at you, make you hear me one more time. I want you to know how fucked up I am because of you. I want you to know that I can never go back. I cant be normal. I cant stop needing; I wish I could stop breathing.

I need to stop wallowing in this.

So I have to say, though it doesnt seem as though Richard and I are going to be anything serious, he really interests me. He is like the epitome of teenage angst. I think someday Ill write a book and it will be about a boy like him. Catcher in the Rye material that one is.

I had coffee with Jay today. I still love him so much. More than anyone. Soul mates. Even if we are just friends and thats all that will ever be. We fit.

"Forget you know my number. No; better yet, forget you know my name."

Night all.

Lyrics:
I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn
~Usher

Back

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 19:09:08 GMT

Phew, finally the show is over. Hopefully Ill be at home more now. More time to write. More time to relax. Rachel and Megan came last night! It means so much to me you guys. . . I think it went well, I felt good about it anyway. Especially since everything else in the first half was boring as hell, we were definitely a good factor.

Then afterwards hung out with Rach, Megan, Aaron, Robert, and one of his girl toys. We couldnt find anything to do; chilled at the park. I enjoyed myself though, I like just chillin with friends. Anything is better than being at home.

Talked about prom a lot. Whoop!

Ive got homework to do. Im kinda scared about college; I have such a hard time getting myself to do the work now, how can I think Ill do it next year? We'll see I guess. Im ready to leave though. I cant stand living here anymore. These next few months are just going to be long and pointless. Prom is a good thing to look forward to, but after that, theres nothing but waiting. Trying to pass time. This summer better be good. . . Definitely want to go to Padre with the ladies =) Gotta figure out a way for that to fly with the parentals.

Need to read Frankenstein, not too interested in that one.

It seemed like Rachel and Aaron got along well, which is really good since her homecoming date sucked ass. She and I are going to have so much fun. It was scary when I didnt know anyone in the group, but she saved me!

Eric is having a good time in Paris. At first it was rough I think, he got lost and stuff. But hes fine now. He sounds really happy in his emails. I need to write him back sometime today. He says I have to come this summer, but my parents dont sound like they're sending me. I think my mom wants to go with her friend like right after I leave for college. Whatever, we'll see. I should get to go though, he is my brother and all.

I hope my parents dont think Im ever coming back here. I dont plan to live in suburbia. I want a bigger life, like Eric does. I want to live in New York or San Francisco or some place equally impressive. Not Plano. Not here. Its not for me.

I dont think I want babies either.

Love everyone, have to go be productive now.

Lyrics:
Im upset
Happiness is not a fish
That you can catch
Imagination cant resist
This laziness
That pins you down, get on your knees
Everyone you meet today
Is feeling useless and ashamed
~Our Lady Peace

Dancing Like Mad

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 04:29:24 GMT

Im terribly sorry my entries are getting few and far between; trust me, I miss them much. Ive just been dancing all night every night. Stupid show. I think its coming together though. . .hopefully anways as we perform on Wednesday and all. I smacked my partner in the face yesterday. . .woops.

I have a lunch date with Richard tomorrow. Well, calling it a date would be a lie, but I like lies, so Ill keep saying it. Mostly we're just going to lunch with some people. Chipotle. Never eaten there. Scary.

Ive got a lot of homework to do. . .and of course I dont exactly know what it is Im supposed to be doing. Its Biology, I never know whats going on.

Rachel is im my prom group! Nothing could have made me happier. We are going to have such an awesome time. We need to get prom t-shirts together. . .

I think Im going to have to cut this short. My stomach hurts, Im sore, and Im very very tired. Need to take a bath and shave and all that good stuff so I can be sexy tomorrow =) Love everyone.

Lyrics:
Let me take you to a place nice and quiet
There ain’t no one there to interrupt
Ain’t gotta rush
I just want to take it nice and slow
Now baby tell what you wanna do with me
See I’ve been waiting for this for so long
We’ll be makin’ love until the sun cones up
Baby
I just wanna take it nice and slow
~Usher

Its Been a While

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 19:51:22 GMT

Its been about five days since I last updated. Fortunately for all those reading, you didnt miss anything. Life has been quite boring and uneventful. Blarg. But still here, alive and kickin'.

I havent seen Richard since Monday. Talked to him on the phone like twice since then, but very short conversations. Nothing reassuring for me or exciting was said. Im just kind of waiting to find out what is going on. Thats all I really want. To know what this is, if anything at all. I want it to be something, but if its not going to be I dont want to get all worked up just to be disappointed, which happens to me a lot. I care too much about being wanted. I should just love myself. But the thing is that I do; Im ok with Amanda. She just wants someone to share things with. She obviously likes talking about herself in the third person too. . .

Last night went to the Gavin Degraw concert!! It was really really good. Gavin is adorable and Matt Nathanson is my new sex god. I went with Jenn, Rach, and Megan. The ladies always make me feel good, and keep my mind from being lonely. Who can ever be alone when they have friends like those girls? I love you guys =)

Eric leaves in three days. No way Im going to school on Wednesday.

I have to work in a little while. Big Bingo anniversary. All day event, fish fry and all that jazz. (hah, Rach =P) Everyone who is 18 or looks 18 and can lie about how old they are by simply nodding when asked, "are you 18?" should come play Bingo today. Sessions at 530, 7, and 830. Lots of giveaways, there is no way you can not win something today. If you could, I would be impressed. Eh, whatever. No one is gonna come. Just another boring day at work during which I make a lot of money.

I dont want to go back to school tomorrow. I think I should be done. A half a semester hardly seems worth going back for. Turns out I have to send a final transcript though to Austin at the end of the year, so I cant completely blow school off. They always get you like that, just when you think you can slack a bit they bite ya in the ass. *Sigh*

So Im getting really tan. Its very exciting. Constant affirmation that I am actually going to prom. So long as I dont fuck things up with Dick in the near future. Surely not though. *Crosses fingers and prays*

I want piercings and tattoos. Just to be dramatic and cool. Not that I am either of those things: dramatic or cool. Even if Bobby did promote me to "hardcore" I know its not true, he just feels sorry for me. And thankful that I choose him over other people. He was my friend first, and even if we arent "close" persay, Ill support him.

Jenns bed is so comfortable. Man I could sleep there all the time. Im gonna make out with her soon =P and Megan too. And Rach if she'll let me, shes a shy one though.

I had the freakiest dream last night though. It was about Michael, I soooo dont even want to go there.

Tracy (Erics friend thats staying here for a couple days) makes the bed. It totally weirds me out. Going in my room and it looking all neat just isnt right, but I must say it makes it nicer. . . maybe I should make my bed. Eh, not gonna happen.

I need to get paid. Im scared about my current bank account standings. Ive been putting stuff on the debit card, and that is SO not a good idea. I dont even remember shit Ive bought. I promised myself I would be better than Eric with finances, and Im not gonna fail. Have to pay attention, have to pay attention. . .

This is getting pretty long, and generally pointless. Sometimes its nice though how people can talk for hours and never say a goddamn thing. Small talk gets us through the day.

In case I havent told everyone recently, I love you. Im going to get started soon on those letters that Anna thought of; notes to everyone who made my life better. People I dont even talk to anymore. Its going to be good, but there are a lot, so I have to get started before . . .well, graduation. We get our cap and gown soon. Hooray for being all grown up. Whatsit. . . "promise that forever we will never get better at growing up and learning to lie." Some song I think, not quite sure. Its Lindsays. Lindsay has this sick messed up relationship with Cedric. She needs to stop talking to him. He just makes her unhappy. But I didnt say it. . .

Im off though, to dry my hair and go buy more music. Its addicting those CD things. Everyone, (Lindsay and Bobby) should appreciate my newfound addiction to buying music. Paying for it. Real money. They are so expensive though. . . Love everyone, Bye all.

Lyrics:
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
~Gavin DeGraw

Sickly

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 05:37:24 GMT

So I have a cold. Pretty mild, not too horrible. Still sucky though. Oh well, will recover soon. With any luck that is.

Left sunglasses at Lindsays house. Feared I had lost them, but turns out they were safe. Hooray for them. I like that pair.

Cant go see Lindsays boy's band tomorrow night, will be too late. Much past curfew, etc. Very sad.

Feeling unloved and unwanted right now. Possibly due to unnatractiveness and lack of male people in near vacinity tonight.

Miss Bobby, still havent heard all his good news. Want to see Richard asap.

Cannot write complete, coherent sentences, must go. Love all.

Lyrics:
We tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lack in relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip
~The Verve Pipe

Hello Spring Break

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 07:15:33 GMT

Went and saw Richard tonight. Wow. The lips. . . I dont really know what all to say, except that Im giddy like a 12 year old with a madsecret crush on someone. Only this time they like me back, I dont know why. Actually I do; Im "hott" and "cool" and "smart" in no particular order. Hes going to be in town all week too, so Ill have someone to occupy my free time. At least some of it anyway. So happy. Want to burst from good feelings.

Bobby and Courtney are no longer. Sorry to the one that was hurt, good luck to the one that wasnt.

Oh! speaking of Bobby; he promoted me to being "hardcore". How cool is that? Im fucking hardcore! And to finish the whole change in my hardcore-ness, Im gonna buy the black and hot pink DC's they have at Pacific Sunwear. I didnt think they existed, but they do! So sweet.

Buff is ready for bed, have to hurry.

I have rehearsal again tomorrow, the piece is gonna be good. My costume looks so sexy on me, and Im getting tan which makes it even better. Its gonna be so weird being brown, Im already darker than Ive been in like two years. Crazy.

Jenn and Rachel are gone; Megan leaves tomorrow. I miss them so much. Cant live without my ladies. Jenn comes back. . .Monday I think and Rachel on Wednesday. Megan wont be back till Saturday, she will have some stuff to catch up on Im sure.

My brother went to Houston today. Miss him. Dont know how Im going to deal with him being in Paris for a year. *Sigh* He and I have just connected so much since hes been here; we have a really good understanding. Things that used to bother me about him make sense now, and instead of dreading him being here, I wish he was here all the time. Good thing Im leaving soon too, this house is going to fall apart with my mom being all depressed like she is (kids leavin and all).

Oh! in rehearsal today, I lived out my dream. Kicked my partner right in the balls. It made that horrible, painful "pop" sound. I almost died. I was so incredibly embarrassed, total accident. But now I wont want to do it to other guys. (Other guys being my friends). I dont know why, but I always wanted to do it to someone, and now I have, and it turns out its no fun.

Cody is goin to prom with Karen. Props to him.

I wanna call Mr Kyle tomorrow, maybe go to August Moon or China Town. We have to chill this week sometime, hes my homie.

I guess Im going to go to bed, even though Im not tired at all. But no one is on so its pretty boring here. I dont really have any amazing, deep thoughts today. Too happy to be intellectual. Miss Lindsay, she needs to call. Going to see her boy's band on Wednesday I think. Oh! and Im goin to the Gavin Degraw concert, thats gonna be awesome. Anyways, night all. Love you, love you bobby!

Lyrics (very significant ones I might add *love having crush*)
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
~Hoobastank

PROM!

Fri, 05 Mar 2004 23:33:04 GMT

Ok, so everyone, Im done being depressed. My happiness level went up at 50 points today; Richard asked me to prom! I dont have to think about it anymore, worry about it, kill myself over it. A cute boy asked me to go with him. No, not even cute, like way hott. I think so anyways. The lips. . . ahh the lips.

Brother leaves me in 12 days. Im gonna miss him so much =(

So tonight going out with the girls minus Jennifer (she has to hang out with Chris, poor her). I dont know what we are doing, probably going downtown to walk around and chill.

You guys dont understand, I want to burst Im so happy.

My ass itches though, and my boobs. Getting tan is a hard process apparently. S'ok though, totally worth it.

We had a party today in Economics; it totally amazes me how easy it is for us to get Ms. Storz to not do anything. Hooray for cool teachers.

I wanna go shopping again, but I didnt make enough money this pay check to make up for what I spent of the last one. So Ill have to wait a couple more weeks =/

Oh by the way, dont rent Bring It On Again, it totally blows.

I got new rocks for my fish and a fake plant, I think he might be happier. I think Im going to take him to college with me, he makes me happy. Generally lazy but sometimes swims like a mad man. Doesnt get any better than that.

Did I mention that I have a PROM date??? Im so sorry, I know Im sick of hearing about it. I wont mention it again.

Its been a long time since a good entry, not that this one is particularly amazing or anything, but at least Im writing.

Saves the Day is like the best band ever, thanks to Mr Kyle for burning me their cd. It totally rocks my world. Oh! and I met Kyles friend Tawna today, she was nice. Really pretty hair too. Snaps to her and Kyle.

A lot of people are out of town right now, its quiet. FBLA took a lot of people; so did speech and debate. They need to come home. Love those people.

Im going to the Village with my brother on Thursday (gay Dallas guys). Gonna go get my groove on with some hot gay guys and butch lesbians. Its hip hop night on Thursdays =)

Even though my day rocked, I kind of have a headache, so Im gonna go lay down before the evening festivities. Night all.

Lyrics:
There's a beautiful sky tonight and
if you were by my side then we could share it but you are gone.
So come at me with your moon and burn me in the stars
cause nothing matters anymore.
~Saves the Day

Floating

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 04:33:06 GMT

Im at a loss for words. Completely drained. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Im so sick of juvenile bullshit. I just want out of here. I want to run away and never come back. Wow, that so sounds like Simba in Lion King. But its true.

Jay is gonna call me in a bit. Ouch.

Find me a prom date. Most anyone will do. I dont even know why I care, except that I have a very expensive dress in the closet that needs to be worn. I cant write anymore.

Peace

Lyrics:
New version of you
I need a version of me
~Felicity theme

Im heaven with a set of boobs

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 22:15:10 GMT

Yep, thats me. Heaven, breasts and all. And turns out, Im most like a pair of boobs according to quizdiva:

You Are Like Breasts!
No matter if you're a guy or a girl.
You are sexy and confident!

You are level headed and "up" for anything.
Everyone feels your "perkiness"...
And your open attitude about sex and your own sexuality.

You are a total superstar.
A dying breed who's love for sex and intimate play are extremely rare.
Your warm nature is a comfort to most - and a pleasure to all.

Sigh, I cant help it. Im boobs. Everyone should go here, http://www.quizdiva.com, but beware of tons of porn pop-ups. Hah! I just did another one, apparently I would be speed if I was a drug. I dunno about that one. . .

Anyways. . I went tanning today. My ass kinda tingled afterwards, I dont know what that means. I need to be brown by prom though, since my dress is white. Too bad I dont have a date, one of those would be useful.

Im awfully sleepy, as always. Im gonna go lay down before dance, more later tonight.

No lyrics yet. Will do later. Not feeling any songs right now. Sigh.

Long Day

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 06:47:43 GMT

I went out with my brother and Melissa today, I havent had a break since like 11 this morning. I skipped ballet though, so that was exciting. Worked tonight, we were 30 bucks short. =( I dont think it was my fault, but who knows. Well actually, I think I am responsible for 10 dollars, this short bitch told me she gave me a 20 when she only gave me a 10. Whore, I fucking hate Bingo people. So whatever, she jacked 10 bucks from me.

Sigh, Im sure yall dont want to hear my work drama. On to something more exciting. . .

Yeah, I got nothin. I forgot to call Steve today, we were supposed to study. Im such a shitty person like that. And I know how crappy it is when people say they are gonna call and then dont; it pisses me off royally. But I do it to. Im a hypocrit, what can I say?

So I went shopping yesterday. I was depressed. And it made me feel better. A lot better. Whoever said money cant buy happiness was seriously disturbed. Money can buy pretty much anything. Plus, I look cute in skirts.

Im gonna miss my brother so fucking much. I cant stand him leaving. I want to move to Paris; I hate living here. But he says I cant truly become myself if hes around, which I suppose is true. *Sigh* Loneliness is a bitch.

Rehearsal tomorrow and maybe a movie and need to remember to call Brandon and do tons of homework. Lots to do tomorrow. Night all

Lyrics:
They left before the sun came up that day
They just drove off and left it all behind 'em
But where were they going without ever knowing the way
~I forget who sings it

The Ladies

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 06:02:44 GMT

Woop for my friends. I love Court, Rach, and Jenn. Im way too fucking tired to write their whole names out =)

And I love Megan and Anna and especially LINDSAY! Honey, I dont know if I can see Monster on Sunday b/c I have rehearsal from 2-5. IM THE LEAD! (Well, one of the two, but Im still proud. Ive never been the special one. I wonder if Ill get to bow in front and all that. . . )

So yeah, everyone has to come see my show. March 20th, write it down jiggas.

Ill write more about my kick ass night tomorrow, Im way tired right now. I love you guys, thanks for always reminding me that life doesnt completely blow. Treasure your friends, they make life worth living.

Goodnight All

Lyrics:
Your smile is tellin' lies-
Nice disguse
~SaxManRan (this song ROX, and its my duet for the piece =)

Every Time

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 23:02:16 GMT

Im so sick of getting my hopes up, its always for nothing. My heart keeps breaking. I just want it to stop. I just want to be happy. Instead I have a constant headache and intoxicating depression.

Tomorrow is Friday though. Being with my girls will make me happy. I love Court =)

Im gonna go outside and play with rolly pollies. They are a lot less complicated than people.

Oh, by the way, for those of you who know, Ive been reading this one guys diary for like 2 years, drawtheline, and I talked to him today, and hes wicked hott. Too bad he lives across the country. Blarg.

Peace

Lyrics:
I finally realized
that you are my true love
and I had a lot of time to think
and you're all I seem to keep think, to keep thinkin of
and now I know I need you
each and every day
I can't live without you
so don't run away
baby, you said that you loved me
so why are you leaving me?
~K-CI and JOJO

Ugly

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 01:58:49 GMT

I have a goldfish that is likely insanely deformed. Ive never seen one like it. I mean on one side its normal, with its little smiley face and all that. But then on the other side its all kinds of fucked up; wrinkly and it has a hole and no smiley. Im sure I could make it some grand metaphor for my life or something similar to that, but mostly its just a really ugly goldfish. I think Ill throw it away instead of eating it. Thats how bad it is.

Poor fish. Maybe it is me. . . I am so easily cast aside.

Today was pretty traumatic. Senioritis is so bad; I dont understand economics at all and Im way behind in English. I guess you can only slack so much before it finally bites you in the ass. Have to catch up now. . .

I think Im going to watch What Dreams May Come; Ive had a huge craving to bawl my head off for a couple weeks now, and that movie will definitely do it to me.

Theres so much I wanna say, but Im not feeling very proud. . .

I really want to go see Jay. Maybe I will. =)

This is sad guys, Ive got like nothing to say. Nothing has been going on lately, my brother has like disapeared, I havent seen him in a couple days. I wonder where he went. . .

I want it to be warm again, this cold wet business is no fun. Im out of gas too, with no cash. Blarg. Pumping gas when its cold has got to be the most miserable thing in the world. But it must be done.

I was supposed to marry Collin Walthal on Friday, but the wedding got called off due to his real girlfriend. My heart is broken =(

I promise this diary will get better soon, right now things just. . . are boring. Have a nice day all.

Lyrics:
What about now?
How 'bout tonight?
baby for once lets dont think twice
Lets take that spin that never ends
That we've been talkin' about
What about now?
Why should we wait
We can chase these dreams down the interstate
And be long gone before the world moves on
And makes another round
What about now?
~Lonestar

Rain Makes Me Want You

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 04:13:44 GMT

Wow.

So the past 24 hours or so have been nice. Big chunk of them have been spent with Jay. I remember what it was like now. To love so freely, so unconditionally. To feel no pressure at all; to get to be myself. To love myself. Ive been waiting to make someone smile for a long time. And not just smile in the way that we all smile everyday, but a real smile. One that comes from somewhere special; the happiness that is just so. . . intimate almost. Completely private.

I need to figure out my life. I need to just get away. With every new day this place gets more and more uncomfortable for me. Even when Im on the brink of happiness, its tainted. With other people, past feelings, etc. In all honesty there is no hope for me here. Im stagnant. I havent grown at all in the last 9 months. Its this place thats holding me back, all the people that I love so much are just. . . constant. Which is good, and yet hindering at the same time. Im sorry everyone, but I really have to leave.

I need a man. Well, not need. But desire. I need someone brave, willing to take on the world with me, and laugh our asses off the whole time. Someone who recognizes the things that are absurd and embraces the things that arent. A man who sees who I am, and loves me. I mean really loves me. I want to be like Adam and Eve before the fall, sex without lust. Love without conditions. Comfort without doubt.

The weather makes me sleepy. And makes me want to curl up next to someone. Someone ought to hold me.

So I guess I should get off the whole depressing love section of today and talk about. . . uh, today. Breakfast with Jay and Linz and Aaron, quite pleasant. Drove around with Jay for a bit. Went to school. . . long day even though it was technically "short," talked to Bobby during 6th period. . . Went to dance. Long night. Turns out I might end up being one of the leads in the piece though, so Im uber excited about that. I think I deserve it, but we'll see what happens.

Lyrics:
Oh I watch you there
through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
wear it so well
Tied up and twisted,
the way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash
into me
~Dave Mathews Band

Happy Birthday to My Daddy

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 04:43:28 GMT

It was my dads birthday today; we went to Magiannos, mmmm. My tummy hurts though, but not from that I dont think. Who knows.

Worked tonight, that was not much fun. But, work isnt supposed to be fun. Blarg.

I finished Jenn's paper today, I hope she gets an A on it. That would make me happy.

I have like nothing to say today. Thats just sad, no one is gonna want to read this crap if Ive got nothing at all to say. Hmm... Yep, still nothing. Well actually, I have lots of crazed emotions, but none Im going to tell yall about.

I feel like I keep slipping farther and farther behind everyday. Like Im wasting time. Am I supposed to be doing something? I sure hope not.

I love everyone. Night all.

Lyrics:
Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too
~Selena

This Is Me

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 02:38:37 GMT

So I went out with Steven last night; we had a nice time. There are just simply fundamental differences between he and I. I dont know whats going to happen, or what to do. All I know is that I cant and/or wont erase who I am. I like who Ive become, and I wouldnt be who I am if not for all of the people in my life and the experiences that Ive had. I wouldnt trade my memories for anything.

I went and had coffee with Jay today. I love Jay. He and I missed out on so much. . . like the last two years, amongst other things that definitely should have happend in the past 9 years of knowing eachother.

Im so disgusting. I put August Moon on speed dial today. Thats how obsessed with food I am. I can never find the number, so it made sense to just save it. . .

I dont have a bed to sleep in tonight; my brothers friend is staying at our house, and in turn, my bed. But its cool, I stayed in her room for like a week one time when I was in Lubbock, I suppose she can borrow mine for one night.

LINDSAY! IM UBER PISSED AT YOU! Yeah, Linz is all about impressing Aaron so that when I call and tell her to listen to a song on the radio, SHE WONT DO IT. "Aaron wont like it" WELL PISS ON AARON! I was here first. So =P

I have 1182 dollars in the bank. Its so strange not being broke. But I still hate spending my own money, Im cheap.

There are so many things I want to do in my lifetime. I want to speak another language, play an instrument, write a book, see the world (and I mean all of it), drop everything Im doing and just drive to see how far I go before I turn around; I want to love, I want to fly, I want to be wanted.

I guess we'll see how all that goes. Catch yall on the flip side.

Lyrics (the song Linz wouldnt freaking listen to)
Fuck what I said, it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you ho, I dont want you back
~Eamon

Random Acts of Kindness Week

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 22:38:03 GMT

So this week is supposedly "random acts of kindness week" so I was kind to two very dear friends. Youre welcome Courtney and Bobby, I hope all goes well. I think everyone should be impressed with me. I have officially faced the fact the Bobby isnt mine, and Im ok with that. Im over him. *sigh* Yay for Courtney; hes waaaay sexy babe =P Besides, I found someone who is good for me. He fits where I didnt think anyone ever could; hi Steven =)

So I have TONS of work to do tonight and I have to work =( So Im thinking its not going to get done. We have a Biology test tomorrow, and Im thinking Im not going to get a good grade. Have to read Paradise Lost too, that wont get done till sometime during the day tomorrow. Blarg. I dont care, I have a date tomorrow night, nothing is going to ruin my day =)

I got an 86 on my English test!! Thats amazing since I honestly thought I got somewhere in the vicinity of a 12 on it. Im a goddamn genious, I cant help it.

Oh! So I dont have a clue what to wear tomorrow night. I might go to the mall after school since I have that stupid gift card for Charlotte Russe now. Anyone wanna go shop with me?

Generally feelin good about myself now. Yall have fun now, Peace.

Lyrics (byebye bitterweet love):
If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So Ill go but I know
Ill think of you every step of the way
And I will always love you
Bittersweet memories
That is all Im taking with me
So goodbye, please, dont cry
We both know Im not what you, you need
~Whitney Houston

Boy

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 21:54:25 GMT

My head hurts from smiling so much. I like a nice boy. A normal boy. He doesnt do drugs. Hes not an asshole. I dont know how much Ive already written about him, or what Ive said, but it doesnt matter. Hes a nice boy. He listens to like all the same music as me, and hes really easy to talk to. And FINALLY someone I can tease who teases me back. Come on people, its all in good fun. Like That 70's Show, burns are the best thing since sliced bread.

I want to go to Prague, anyone wanna send me/take me?

So its Wednesday. Hump day. Wednesdays are good; Thursday is when my weekend starts, so Im in a pretty good mood. I dont think anyone could really upset me right now. People almost did earlier today, when you have a conversation with someone you would assume they wouldnt tell people. Apparently Im crazy for thinking that, but whatever. Im moving to Austin in 6 months, and I dont give a fuck anymore.

I need to study for Biology, which doesnt sound like fun. And I need to catch up on Economics, which sounds like even less fun. Oh, I went to the mall to take some stuff back, lost my receipt. Really pisses me off, all they give you is store credit these days. Bastards. So now Ive got like 70 bucks to spend at Charlotte Russe, too bad I dont like that store very much.

Mr Kyle is making me a copy of Dark Side of the Moon because I bought him cookies today. I need new music. It gets me going in the morning. I think I would die without it. I think it might be nap time now. Sweet dreams all.

Lyrics (yay for Steve's music selection):
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon.
~Eve 6

I LOVE RACHEL!

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 03:24:09 GMT

Rachel quit drill team! Snaps for her! Plus, shes way hott. I would have her babies. But yes, everyone should quit drill team. Its good for your health. Friday will be the first pep rally Ive ever actually gone to, it will be an experience.

I really like Steve. Hes smart. And nice. And I want him to like me for me. He might be the first, I think most everyone else just wanted my body. I want to impress him with who I am. . . its unknown territory for me. And Im scared.

Too many people are talking to me! I cant neglect them for the diary, so Im going to finish up with just this short bit. Ill elaborate tomorrow on. . stuff. Dont know what yet. Love you all!

Lyrics (for the drill team)
If you dont give a damn, we dont give a fuck
Dont start no shit there wont be no shit
~Lil John and the Eastside Boyz

Spending Money

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 22:29:53 GMT

So Im about to go to RadioShack to buy a phone charger. I really despise spending money. But its my parents money, so its not quite as bad. Still, I can think of lots of other things I would rather buy.

Today was very . . blah. I flashed Lindsay in Economics, and that was pretty much the highlight of my day. Not much else happened. Cedric needs a date to prom, and I have no ideas. Anyone wanna go with Cedric?

Buffy is on the skitz. She chewed up another telephone and pulled a plug out of the wall and chewed it all to hell. Shes super hormonal and nutso. I think shes mad at me and mom, but we cant figure out why. Poor baby. Her whole hormonal system doesnt work right; she only has half of one kidney, or the equivalent thereof. Shes not going to live long. =*(

I want a nice boy. Maybe an innocent one will make me good again. I want someone to fix me. I dont like being weird. Break me. . Remake me.

Lyrics:
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding I am
Colorblind
~Counting Crows

Finishing Up

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 22:30:22 GMT

Im back now. I got PacMan for the GameCube, which Im about to go play. But more importantly, I got a Superman bra and thong, they are amazingly cute. I dont really remember what else I bought, all good stuff though.

But back to what I was saying about friends. I dont want to get attached to anyone else since we are all about to go our separate ways. The more people you love, the harder it is to let go. So there; if you dont know me, dont talk to me. I cant handle any more people.

Happy Sunday Everyone.
Lyrics (this one is a nod to moving on, growing up, etc.):
There's so much I wanna say,
But Im not feeling very proud
I wish this night
Were far behind me
Im so scared
To be alone
And Im too tired
To keep forgiving
Still its hard to let you go, to let you go
God, give me the strength to leave you
Give me the strength to say goodbye
~Anika Paris

Sunday

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 21:03:19 GMT

Hallo All.

Went to lunch with the family. Luna de Noche, mmmmm. It was nice, I generally like my family. Especially my brother. I dont know how Im going to make it without him for so long. . . He said we had to start emailing eachother. Im just so bad with email, but I guess Im going to have to do it if I want to talk to him, and I know I will. Especially once I get to college. Have to tell him about all the shoes I try on ;)

I think my parents are going to buy me earings from Bailey Banks and Biddle, since my brother got some. Im quite excited, I need good earings. All I ever wear are my fake bling-blings, which I love, but a nice pair of white gold hoops would be better.

Me and mom are gonna go to Kohls in a little bit, I need tennis shoes for work, my feet always hurt. I worked last night, some assholes from school were there. At least Im pretty sure I knew them, Josh Haugberg and. . . I forget the other one's name. Also a dick though. They tried to get out of paying. Jesus Christ people, its two bucks, get over it.

So, have date with Steve next weekend. It should be nice. He's always been very sweet to me. Im trying to get him to go to UT, as Austin is the most amazing city ever, and Im going to be there.

Im going to be a Supreme Court Justice. Bam. Beat that. Lindsay just has to be president first. . . Thats how you get jobs you know. Its all in knowing the right people. Good thing I have lots of connections. God, I hang out with people from all spectrums; smart people, asians, punks, drill team, Baptists (fucking Baptists. . . sigh, I love them anyway), Bingo people, people with no future whatsoever. . . the list Im sure goes on. Like I said though, I cant make anymore friends. Im at capacity.

Mom wants to go, finish later

Get a Clue

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 05:06:53 GMT

I wasnt attached. Not at all. I couldnt care less. But if you have something to say, have the balls to say it. Whateva.

Ive got nothing. My head is feelin' light. Peace out guys.

Lyrics:
Hold me
Thrill me
Kiss me
Kill me
~umm... I know its on the Batman Forever soundtrack.

Fuck You

Fri, 13 Feb 2004 20:50:13 GMT

So Tony bailed on me for our date tonight. Fuck that shit. Ive never been treated like this. And yea Tony, Bobby never used me. He never lied. At least he was fucking honest.

So instead tonight Im going to Amanda Mondays house. Shes having a little birthday party gathering type thing. I dont think Im going to know very many people, so chances are I wont stay long.

I talked to Jay for a very very long time last night. For those of you who have known me for a while you are probably aware that Jay was my first male friend, and has been the one person I could always count on. We havent stayed close, but I know any time I ever needed him, he would be a phone call away. I love him. Always have. Always will. He's supposed to call me today to go get coffee, but he has psycho girlfriend who keeps him attached to her hip 24/7, so who knows if hes going to be able to. Doesnt matter, just knowing he wanted to is enough to make me smile. His daddy loves me too, Im the daughter he never had. Which is really sad since he has daughters of his own =)But yeah, just to interject, I think Jay and I were the love of eachothers respective lives, but were never actually together. Its kinda like that Kid Rock/ Sheryl Crow song. I dont know what to do with myself, it seems like I "love" all the men in my life, which from an outsider would sound like bullshit, but its really true. They have all meant something special to me, something no one else could have. They made me who I am. Thanks guys. Even if yall arent impressed with how I turned out, Im happy becuase of who you are and what youve meant to me.

Other than that, Im not sure what Im going to do tonight. Need to go to the mall and take some stuff back. Oh! and Steve Hirsch was really sweet to me; he said I didnt deserve to be treated the way I was treated by *ehem* that guy, and he would spend Valentines Day with me =) Too bad both of us have to work. Blarg.

Thus ends another lovely entry. Lyrics:
Get back
Can you feel Im not like you anymore.
I cant see,
I cant breathe.
See you quiver like the dogs on the street,
Looking down on as I beat you.
~Godsmack